Today I came across this fascinating discussion over at Jen’s “Conversion Diary,” about a mother of three who was about to adopt a child with special needs . . . and is wondering if she was making a mistake. And if so, what to do now?
When we step out prayerfully, wanting nothing more than to do the right thing, what happens if we make a mis-step? Do we retrace our steps . . . or take the next one, trusting God to bring something good out of our own mistakes?
A dear friend of mine is struggling with this dilemma right now. Adopted child with severe emotional problems, hurting her and his younger siblings. She loves him. But the child outweighs her by 40 pounds, and is intent on hurting everyone and everything in his path . . . how long can this go on?
When I was a kid, I knew a family that had a troubled teen with a drug problem. Ultimately, theygave the child a choice: stop, or leave. He wound up in Teen Challenge, and was positively transformed by the experience.
Every day parents are brought up short with the poor choices of their teenage (and younger) children. The volitional component varies — some choices are “freer” than others, but the consequences remain. And when this happens, to “love” that child is not a warm and fuzzy feeling. To “love” in these cases is to want what is in the child’s best interest. In this case, to get him the help he needs to keep him from destroying himself and others.
This is God’s will: to love the child, for as long as we have him (or her). And to help that child become the best and truest version of himself — the masterpiece of God’s (and not our own) design.
I just wanted to let you know that on the advice of two therapists, we are trying to find a new family for our adopted 4 yo son, Paul. Both therapists told us that he should never have been placed in our home, since a child with his history is almost certainly attachment impaired and he will target our children to push us away and keep us from attaching to him.
We are so heartbroken. We were grossly deceived about the child’s history and through their negligence, our biological children were vulnerable to emotional and physical abuse. Both counselors believe John will escalate into severe physical abuse if he remains in our home and that he should have been placed in a home without other children or at the very least, with older teenagers who can assist in the attachment process, instead of being a target for the child’s behavior.
They have recommended a home without other children for him as the best chance for him to thrive and heal from his wounds. We are sad, but we’re trying to do the right thing for both Paul and our other children. If there is any Christian families you know of who might be interested in a special needs adoption of a beautiful little Guatemalan boy, by all means please send them our way.
If you would like to reach Dawn about taking Paul, please send me a note at email@example.com and I will forward your message. In the meantime, please join me in prayer for this hurting family, and the young boy who has so much anger and grief bottled up in his young heart. Pray that his true “forever family” will step forward.
Please also pray for Dawn, who has had to endure criticisms and unkind remarks of those who believe she is “giving up on her son.” Having lived through a similar experience, and knowing some of the details of her story, I can assure you that there are times when it is in the best interest of all concerned — including the child — to have a child moved. Some hurts are so big and deep that they can only be healed in a secure place with no other children in the home. Yes, bonding can take a long time, and adoptive parents routinely “labor” to form these bonds for months and even years to form these attachments. But each family’s journey is different … and those who attempt to assess the situation from the outside, without all the facts, are liable to be more hurtful than helpful.
Are you experiencing attachment issues with your child, and wondering if you made the wrong choice? Don’t give up yet! Remember, adoptive parents do their laboring after they receive their child, to form attachments that should last a lifetime. If you’re looking for help, pick up a copy of “Nurturing Adoption.” Seek a counselor experienced in working with adoptive families. Talk to your social worker, who may have ideas that can help you.
All adoptive families go through periods of adjustment, some right away and others farther down the line. As parents, we need to do everything we can to get our children the help they need to heal from trauma and neglect, without endangering the other children entrusted to us. God bless you!
“Adoption is the sweet fruit that miraculously falls from bitter trees.” (The Call to Adoption, p.153).
I was up early this morning, thinking and praying about a letter I received from a distraught mother, and the little boy she and her husband adopted from Guatemala… we’ll call him “Juan.” This mother “Melody” has a chronic illness, and three biological children who are all under the age of 10. Still, they wanted to adopt. The family labored for three years to bring little Juan home … then discovered he had a history of sexual abuse and neglect. Continue reading