Day 23: Objectivity

Begin with the Prayer of Abandonment.


Today’s theme is ‘Objectivity.’

Most of us bring a certain amount of “baggage” into marriage, and the older you are when you get married the larger the pile is likely to be. It’s important that each of us own our own “pile.” That means not making your spouse pay for someone else’s mistakes … and to recognize that there are some relationships (not all of them healthy ones) that are going to continue even after you are married.

Now, to be honest I went into marriage with certain ideas about what a good marriage looks like. It looked remarkably like my parent’s marriage, where Mom kept the perfect house and Dad walked in the door at 6:15 each day to have dinner with the family, and spent a good chunk of each weekend either working outside or down in his workshop, tinkering.

And in the early stages of our relationship, I took it upon myself to communicate these expectations with unequivocal clarity to my sweetheart . . . who seemed to agree with me. Of course, we didn’t have dinner together every night, even after we were engaged, because work was taking up so much of his time right then. And he spent an inordinate amounts of each weekend at work as well — never enough to miss seeing me altogether, but enough that I should have known what was ahead.

Before we married, I might have taken an objective look at this and realized that our ideas about work were very different. I would then have been free to marry him, or not, according to how important those ideals were to me. (The other day I came across this wonderful essay by a woman who handled this issue with far more grace than I did … Hope it helps!)

After we married, my options became much more limited. Basically, there were two:  accept that he was always going to be a workhorse, and find ways to keep myself busy until he came up for air. Or make us both unhappy by continuing to point out all the ways he was failing to meet my expectations regarding family life.

The man was pushing fifty, and had been a bachelor all his life. There was only so much he was going to change, even for me. So . . . I had to step back and take an objective look at all the reasons I was glad I’d married him, and what a happy marriage was going to look like for us. Not dinner together every night — but dinner together on weekends, and a nightly cup of tea. Not weekends in which we’d catch up on projects around the house, but weekends when he worked from home, one eye on the laptop, the other eye on his family.

Your situation is likely very different, the conflicts you’ve encountered again and again are likely about something else altogether. The question is: Have you taken time to stand back and see if (or how) you are contributing to the conflict, and if there is something you can do about it? Some of those long-cherished ideas about what constitutes a “happy marriage” may have to be set aside. What makes the two of YOU happy?

Fourth Sunday of Lent: Family Fun Day!

kissesOkay, if you followed the instructions from yesterday’s reflection (and I hope you did!), you might be a little slow getting started this morning. That’s okay. When you have a chance, offer the Prayer of Abandonment.

How about for the Family Fun Day you expand the circle of love a little? Come home from church, get everyone back in their jammies, make some grilled cheese and soup (or whatever says “comfort food” to your clan), and play some games or watch a movie? Alternatively, take everybody on a vigorous hike … then come back for a well-deserved afternoon nap. (Who knows? Maybe a little more “Night”?)

It’s Sunday. A little Easter. Revel in it.


Day 22: Night

Date night

Begin with the Prayer of Abandonment.

Today’s theme is “night.” The day is over. You and your beloved power off your devices and go to check on the other creatures in your home one last time. Then it’s time for your nightly ritual: the washing and brushing, slipping out of the daily armor into something softer and more comforting. Maybe a cup of tea (or a glass of wine), or a nibble of something salty or sweet. There, in your private little corner of the world, you unload, unwind, reconnect.

How often are you tempted to bring the outside back in that sacred space? The teacher’s note, the unpaid bill, the forgotten item on the “to-do” list. Do yourself a favor: Just for tonight, forget about it. Just for tonight, let the world go away. Pour yourself a bath, maybe big enough for two. Find some nice lotion or massage oil, and rub your beloved’s feet. Dig out that silky nightie you know he loves, and dab on a little scent. Each Sunday is a little Easter. Let yours begin right now. And watch with delight love’s light rekindle in his eyes.

What are you still doing, reading this? Go … get ready for the night!

Happy Lent!

Day 21: Mystery

CNMC09 006Start with the Prayer of Abandonment

Today’s word is mystery. When I first started exploring Catholicism, I learned to make friends with this word. At 30, my world was far more complex than what it seemed to be when I was younger, when I believed I had all the answers. The beauty of embracing the mystery is that it really takes a lot of the pressure off with a great cosmic shrug. To believe in mystery is to believe that, at the end of the day, God is really much smarter, bigger, and in control than we could ever be. And to be grateful for that fact.

In a certain sense, the virtue of modesty allows us to experience the mystery of God in the context of marriage. “Choicest of blessings is a modest wife, priceless her chaste person” (Sirach 26:15). While there is a time and a place to be “naked and not ashamed,” a certain amount of mystery (especially when it comes to grooming and hygiene) is a good thing. Even in marriage (or perhaps “especially in marriage”) there is such a thing as TMI.

The Catechism teaches us that modesty “protects the mystery of persons and their love. It encourages patience and moderation in loving relationships; it requires that the conditions for the definitive giving and commitment of man and woman to one another be fulfilled. Modesty is decency. It inspires one’s choice of clothing. It keeps silence or reserve where there is evident risk of unhealthy curiosity. It is discreet” (CCC #2522).

How are you going to add a little mystery to your relationship with modesty this week?

Day 20: Mercy


Begin with the Prayer of Abandonment.

In a papal bull of 2015, Pope Francis proclaimed 2016 a “Year of Mercy,” declaring that “Jesus Christ is the face of the Father’s mercy.”  While many of us saw this as an opportunity to practice the corporal and spiritual works of mercy with greater intentionality … in retrospect, it was also a wonderful opportunity to shine the light of Christ into our own marriages as well. If you’d like practical tips on how to do that, I recommend Teresa Tomeo’s book (with her husband, Deacon Dominic Pastore) Intimate Graces.

We are now exactly halfway through our “love lift.” Have you noticed any changes in the way you relate to each other? Are you growing in patience, or forgiveness, or trust?  What areas would you most like to explore in the second half of this marriage builder? (If you have any words I should consider for the next challenge, drop me a note!)

Last year we spent a great deal of time thinking about mercy, and in particular the mercy of God towards us. In his March 17, 2013 homily, Pope Francis observed:

It is not easy to entrust oneself to God’s mercy, because it is an abyss beyond our comprehension. But we must! … “Oh, I am a great sinner!” “All the better! Go to Jesus: He likes you to tell him these things!” He forgets, He has a very special capacity for forgetting. He forgets, He kisses you, He embraces you and He simply says to you: “Neither do I condemn you; go, and sin no more” (Jn 8:11).

Mercy takes many forms in married life: In swallowing pride long enough to sincerely apologize for messing up (or in withholding anger at the spouse brave enough to make such an apology). In seeing a need the other person is too afraid/ashamed/exhausted (or too ____) to ask us to meet, and taking care of it without expectation of reciprocation. In refusing to reveal those outside love’s circle the sacred secrets of the other person’s heart, even in a moment of frustration. This is love in its most perfect human form.

In marriage, as within no other relationship, do we get to experience the exhilaration of mercy, of extending (or receiving) forgiveness not just for the slights of the moment, but the truly awful stuff that could derail a relationship. And we extend it, knowing that in so doing we are imitating the infinitely greater love of God, whose mercy knows no end.

Are you willing to imitate Jesus, not just in forgiving . . . but in forgetting as well?

Day 19: Memories

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERABegin with the Prayer of Abandonment

Today’s theme is “Memories.” How often do you take time to make memories, in an intentional way, with the one you love?

Think back … before the laughter and music of Christmas and Thanksgiving, beyond the sweetly smelling piles of burning autumn leaves (if such a nostalgic scent isn’t outlawed where you live), past a fresh-from-the-garden bite of peach. What memories of your love come most vividly to mind?

Memory is the playground of the heart, like dreams — only better. Shared memories bind us together, shaping who we are not just as individuals, but as family. (As an adoptive parent, I take comfort in this idea – that the memories we share can bind us just as surely and permanently as markers of DNA.)

what dreams may comeIn one of my favorite movies about life after life, What Dreams May Come, the intertwined lives of the family, their memories, connected them in death. Although it would be an overstatement to say the movie reflects a Catholic understanding of the afterlife, it does call to mind the love that can be transmitted and sustained through the power of memories cherished.

What memories can you share with your beloved, to build up and sustain your love?

Day 18: Longing

DSCF0286Begin with the Prayer of Abandonment.

Today’s theme is longing. It is desire that seeps deep into our bones, into the deepest recesses of our hearts. And yet, this feeling does not originate in the human heart: It is placed there by God, to give us a foretaste of the depths of the love he has for us. It is this same longing that is characterized by the last paragraph of our daily prayer:

Into your hands I commend my soul;

I offer it to you with all the love of my heart,

For I love you, Lord, and so need to give myself,

To surrender myself into your hands without reserve,

And with boundless confidence,

For you are my Father.

Marriage can be lonely, especially in times of stress  when it can be easy to pull away and turn inward. And yet, we were made for companionship, for union. If at times we cannot get what we need from our spouse, all is not lost.kerry olson wicklow road

We can offer our longing back to the One who designed us for communion, and know that he will never leave us alone.

When was the last time you felt alone in your marriage? Discuss it with your spouse, then ask . . . What do you find most comforting when you feel alone and long to feel truly loved?

Day 17: Leave and Cleave

40 day challenge 20th

As always, begin with the Prayer of Abandonment.

Today’s theme is ‘leave and cleave.’

Children traumatized in early childhood through experiences of abuse and neglect can have relational difficulties that extend into adulthood … Even after marriage. Love does not always heal every trauma, every wound.

And yet, for those traumatized by early childhood experiences, or wounded from early relationships, marriage can  be a healing place if an understanding spouse is willing to walk alongside with patience and gentleness. For the one who has experienced trauma, healing is possible to the degree that we are willing to do the hard work to “leave and cleave,” to take the steps necessary to change the ‘inner narrative’ in order to seek authentic intimacy.

For couples who are struggling to overcome the demons of the past, St. Joseph is a powerful intercessor, as Mother Teresa taught (LWST, 65):

We trust in the power of the name of Jesus and also in the intercessory power of St. Joseph. When we first started our society, there were times when we had nothing. We kept a picture of St. Joseph which we turned face down during those times we were in great need. This reminded us to ask for his intercession. When something came in, we turned it right side up.

Are there any battles you find yourself repeating with your spouse, that could signal unresolved trauma? Consider talking to someone about it, so you might be able to find the healing God wants you to have. Then turn to the Holy Family, and ask them to pray for you, that God would bring healing and peace to you both. (Whether you turn the picture or statue to face the wall … Well, I’ll leave that up to you!)

If you would like prayer for a specific intention, feel free to email me. God bless you both!

Third Sunday of Lent: Family Fun Day!


Don’t forget to offer the Prayer of Abandonment today!

Tomorrow we celebrate the feast of the Annunciation, when the Archangel Gabriel (whose feast day was originally today) appeared to the Blessed Virgin Mary and declared that she was to become the Mother of God. Imagine!

As they were growing up, I used to keep the kids behaved during Mass by reminding them that their angels were watching over them, ready to take their prayers to the great altar of heaven. “If you are naughty, they have to stay here with you, and it makes them very sad not to be able to worship God with their angels friends. So let’s give them a good offering to take to the altar, shall we?” And in most cases, my little lambs cooperated.

As you and your family head off to Mass today, what kind of offering will you make, for your angel to take to the throne of God? Will it be light with words of thankfulness … or heavy with the cares and worries of your life? You can bring both of them to God, of course — but have a heart for your angel, and try to mix it up a bit!

How have you been doing so far with these Sunday “challenges”? What will you do with your third Family Fun Day today?

Day 16: Keepsakes

Begin with the Prayer of Abandonment.

When my mother came to live with us, everything she owned in the world was packed into the back of our van and unloaded into the little suite we had created in the corner of our walk-out basement: a dresser, a bed, a beautiful old desk, a wooden chest, and a bookshelf full of old photo albums and treasured books. Her most cherished possession was her wedding ring, which had grown too small for her but she insisted on wearing. She and my father were no longer living as a married couple … but she cherished the memory of him. And so, the ring stays on.

As human beings, we are body-soul composites; the stuff of life conveys emotions and memories that can last a lifetime. What can you be doing today to show that you treasure your partner through the honoring of the memories of your life together — and forgiving and laying to rest the skeletons of the past?

How are you tracking your memories? Do you keep photographs and scrapbooks Collect recipes or newspaper clippings? Or do you collect memories of other more troubling kinds? Do you harbor grudges, regrets, and deep-rooted offenses that have, over time, built a wall between the two of you?

During Lent the Church prescribes going to confession to prepare ourselves for the Easter feast. If after reading this, you are reminded of some toxic “keepsakes” that need to be consigned to the dustbin, why not go as a family to receive the sacrament of reconciliation? Make a celebration of it – go out for a treat afterwards. You will be so glad you did!

Has it been a long time since you’ve been to confession? Don’t worry. The priest will be glad to help you through it.  Here is a little “cheat sheet” to help you prepare —  you can just print it out and take it with you. And know that the angels are waiting to cheer!