Mortality Road

What is it like, to watch a parent die from dementia? It varies so much from person to person, of course … I can only share what it is like, watching my own mother: It is a roller coaster called Mortality Road; no one ever wants to get onboard, and once you are on, you are helpless to escape.

This roller coaster called dementia has reached a new low point for us this week. I look at my mother, curled in a ball on her bed, her eyes vacant. She does not eat, drink, or speak. And I feel as helpless as I did as a child, when her rages would drive me to my room, rooting around for a safe space. But now the only rages are taking place inside her head, where I cannot hear them — and cannot contradict.

There’s no running now. I’m in charge. Or so it says on paper. In reality, it’s her mental demons that are calling all the shots. Sometimes the voice sounds like my father, other times it’s this ever-present asshole my mother calls “The Judge,” telling her she is going to be executed for her many failings.

The chaplain at her daycare has given her a “Certificate of Innocence.” Her doctors have repeatedly told her she needs to take care of herself by eating and drinking. I have done everything I can think of, tempting her with all the things that used to make her eyes twinkle.

And here it is, 2:00 in the afternoon, and her breakfast tray remains untouched. I have to step away for a moment, just to take a deep breath and remind myself that it is the disease, and not my mother, who is at the root of the problem. She is not fighting for control. She has already been beaten by these unseen powers.

We are walking Mortality Road. And ever step gets steeper and harder.

We are facing the fact that, in the end, this disease is going to kill her.

And the only satisfaction I can take from it all.

The only thing that keeps me from feeling like a total failure.

Is knowing that we persevered, together, no matter what.

And that when it is over, the clouds will clear,

And she will know with the blessed assurance of eternity

Just how much she was loved all along.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Mortality Road

  1. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. It’s hard enough to lose a mother, but even worse when it happens in such a devastating way. I know that in the midst of this tragedy there will be grace for you and your family, perhaps the grace of the witness you’re giving your children by your faithfulness.

    Like

  2. Im so sorry Heidi. I hope she will snap out of what she is feeling. Isn’t that possible? I hope so. I can only say to you what you already know. Praymy friend, pray. I would continuously pray The Divine Mercy Chaplet and rest my heart in Gods mercy. Bless you, your Mom and family.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s