Tonight I was reading to Christopher from one of my all-time favorite stories, The Velveteen Rabbit. Recently the subject of “real mother” has come up, as it almost inevitably does with adopted children. Something in one passage struck a chord, and comforted me. I hope it does the same for you.
“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they [he and the wise Skin Horse] were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”
“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.
“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”
“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”
“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
Reading this, I couldn’t help but wonder if Margery Williams was herself an adoptive parent. She certainly seems to understand the adoptive parent’s heart!
Image from Image Posters.
This is a beautiful post, and you are completely right in how it captures the feeling of being an adoptive parent!
Oh, I loved this post. So REAL! Thanks for sharing. I must dig out that book again.
how do you find your reail mom and or dad help me plz
“Real” is such a loaded word in adoption, where biological connection and years of personal investment (for many) each — though in different ways — give those closest to the child the right to be considered his or her “real” parent.
If you are referring to biological parents, that varies a great deal from state to state. The best way to begin is to contact the agency where the adoption took place. There are registries, but the particulars can vary so widely, it really is best to start with the agency.
God bless you!